Monday, August 11, 2014

The Loss of a Legend

Today, I learned that we lost legendary comedian and actor, Robin Williams, to apparent suicide. Robin struggled with bipolar disorder for the majority of his life. I'm active on Facebook and have seen some rather ignorant posts about how "He took the easy way out" or "He lead a charmed life, why would he do this?" These comments hit hard, and hit way too close to home.

Recently, I was voluntarily hospitalized for suicidal ideations. Why would I want to hurt or kill myself? I have a great family, I have a great life, why end it? Well, here's the facts that don't make sense to most people. I didn't want to. I don't want to. I never really did. So how did I end up coming moments away from ending my life if I didn't want to? The mind of someone with bipolar disorder is a strange thing. Sometimes, we act through a seemingly outside force. It's as though I'm standing on a nice, pretty cliff, looking at the scenery. Someone comes up and says jump. Well, I don't want to, I say, so I don't. This mysterious stranger starts to push, starts to shove. Sometimes, people fall. They don't fall because they're weak-no, they're often much stronger people than most anyone else. Saying they took the "easy way out" is an absolute ignorant and idiotic insult to throw at them. They fall because that mysterious stranger was stronger than they were. By saying they took the easy way out, those comments belittle the strength and resolve those people showed in the most personal battle of all, one that nobody else can see. It's not that they want to, it's that they're being compelled to and pushed over the edge by that mysterious stranger. The next time you hear of someone committing suicide out of the blue, remember Genie being freed from the lamp. After a nearly lifelong battle with bipolar disorder, Robin Williams is now free from his lamp, free of that mysterious stranger. Thank you, Robin, for your contributions to the film and mental illness world, showing that someone with mental illness can achieve greatness.

If you could, please visit and donate $5 in his honor. It would mean a lot to a lot of people. Thank you.

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Sunday, August 10, 2014

Warp speed

During high phases, I have had some issues with my mind racing. I don't mean in the same way as the "A million thoughts" post. I mean in ways I've never experienced. It races so hard that I have zero control over what it os I say. It's like my mind is on so many channels that it feels like static. Basically, it's too much information to pick out any one thought or idea. Or anything, really. In fact, it causes me to literally think myself into a migraine. During these points, I can't form a clear train of thought, similar to a child's first few paragraphs in school. I start talking about a photograph I want to talk about, and in two sentences, I've landed on NASA-not a part of the intended conversation.

The worst part of this is that I've even said some things that have hurt people, not intentionally, that I regret. While I admit they are not my fault, I recognize that I did say them and that I need to take responsibility for my actions and words. It's not fun to have no control over what you do, but the worst part is by far seeing how those unintentional actions effect others.