One of the less desirable aspects of bipolar disorder is this sense of not knowing oneself. Due to the nature of the ups and downs, iterations of myself are plentiful. It can come across as disingenuous to others, and is quite frustrating being able to see that and not having control over it. The hardest part of all of this is knowing that I don't quite know who I am. I don't know what my dreams are, I don't understand my goals, I can't get a grasp on what it is I am because all of that is constantly changing. It's particularly difficult to find a direction, since I may choose something, but after years of hard work to get there, I'm a completely different person with completely different interests.
As of this moment, the medication is helping massively with the lows. The depressive symptoms are gone, destined to become a memory, which is a great start. Unfortunately, the hypomania is still quite present. It will take some time for me to be truly stable, and who I really am is still yet to be discovered. Hopefully it will happen soon, and this is a good start, but there's a ways to go.
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